Comments on Diary of a Mad Editor: New Baby Flashbacks

The blessing and the curse of the second time roun...

2010-01-02T14:09:55.445-08:00

The blessing and the curse of the second time round is that you know all this!

If the first baby is like a meteorite strike then the second is like a second in the same place, just as you'd started to get the infrastructure up and going again.

In my second pregnancy I thought that my knowledge would make it easier - but somehow you have to learn it all over again!

I loved all your points and the additional comment...

2009-12-21T07:59:37.618-08:00

I loved all your points and the additional comments. I thoroughly enjoy reading about parenting because I felt so lost when I had my first. I read nearly every parenting book I could get hold of. None of this helped, by the way. But at least I had some ideas in my head.

First time parenting is the hardest because you don't know what you're doing and feel as if you are going to "ruin" your child. The good news is that the child will grow to be just fine despite your parenting. No need to carry around guilt.

The second and third child are easier--in a way--because you've already been here before, right? But then you have the complication of siblings getting along and interacting with each other. That part makes it ten times harder (but sometimes easier).

Really, parenting is just about contradictions. You need to be aware of what is going on around you so that you can provide the comfort and nurturing when it is needed, but also leave them be when they need to figure things out for themselves. It's kind of a push-me pull-you situation, where you need to find your own comfort zone.

Good luck with that! I've managed to confuse myself!

Ok Mad Editor! We slightly disagree on the "it do...

2009-12-11T19:18:42.296-08:00

Ok Mad Editor! We slightly disagree on the "it doesn't get easier" with the kid getting older part. I think it gets infinitely easier, but then again, you mentioned the fact that you start worrying about a whole other bunch of stuff. Maybe, you ARE right.

As for the 2nd/3rd child being easier/harder - I had my 2nd 14 mos. after the 1st (1st was a preemie! Yikes what was I thinking?!). The first 3 yrs was hard, always feedling/changing/putting someone to sleep/or bathing someone (other than myself... yup, I hated that part) but then much easier after that. So maybe for ME, it was easier as they got older because they had each other (when I had my hissy fits or lecturing moods or hectoring moods LOL) and could lean on each other as well as me. My husband absolutely thought he did a lot (well, ok, he did do a lot more than his dad did... is that saying something?) but I needed so much more than I ever thought I would. So all your advise was right on, and when you have a 2nd (or 8th) you definitely recognize that you didn't break the first one, nor did you spontaneously combust (tho at times it may have felt like you were GOING to) and everyone eventually got what they wanted/needed. So if anyone is foolish enough to offer to help with future fruit-of-your-loins being born, definitely take them up on it. But be specific. "Please wash the dishes for me" is better than ack! help me, I'm drowning in a pool of ineffective emotions! "Please wash my clothes (vacuum my living room/watch the baby while I take a shower or bath (calgon take me away" is a saying for a reason). Always say a specific task. And YES it does count to say, watch the baby while I sleep! That is a big deal!

And if you are a friend of a person who has just had a child escape her womb, do things without being asked. Clothes folded from the dryer while talking to new mother/father while they jiggle baby. Just walk into their kitchen and start wiping surfaces. Altho some people might find this intrusive/insulting, upon reflection by the new parent, they might just think you are a genius. Just because YOU did something that they would be too embarrassed to ask for.

Of course, now that I completely understand how to ask for help from my loved ones, it is wasted on me because now I can just call it a "learning lesson" from my homeschooled kids and have them take the task upon themselves. NO. I mean it. Really.

Hi Mad Editor, really great article. really. I'm ...

2009-12-11T09:52:21.059-08:00

Hi Mad Editor,
really great article. really. I'm amazed that you have such an in depth memory of those first days, I can't remember a thing except for a vague feeling of being out of control. I would have added something about co-sleeping, but just because you had the attentive ears of a father and fathers seem to be the ones that have to be convinced that it's important to sleep by the baby (perhaps because they are so seldom out of bed nursing the baby in the night, they seem to think it's optional. It's not.) Anyway, I hope you made his life easier (and subsequently his wife's)

And about men and work, my dearest is a contract worker and had no work the 2 weeks before the baby came. So when a job presented itself when the baby was 24 hours old he had to take it. (It was only 4 days long and then he was off again and plenty of others pitched in, plus I have a 12 year old to help, it makes all the difference.)

so anyway, he was at work and told everyone he just had a baby yesterday. Everyone congratulated him and there was general talking and so forth. On the evening of the second day he mentioned again that "the new baby is... " and his boss asked " wait a second, WHEN was it born?" and Kevin said, "about 48 hours ago" The magnitude of it all totally freaked everyone out. But, still there he was working 2 days after having a baby.

And if you wanna pass along the humor of a cowgoddess to new parents, feel free!

xox,
Heather
thecowgoddess.com

Baby #1- Try to resist the urge to be the "perfect...

2009-12-11T06:42:35.243-08:00

Baby #1- Try to resist the urge to be the "perfect" parent. And since that urge is nearly impossible to resist, at least know that there really isn't such a thing.

Babies #2 and 3 (and beyond)- Just remember that you didn't break the first one!

As far as book recommendations go, I say to stick with parenting humor. Reading about other parents' foibles is a sure fire way to boost one's confidence (or at least feel less alone!)

The main thing about having #2 was that I stopped ...

2009-12-10T16:17:48.563-08:00

The main thing about having #2 was that I stopped wearing real pants. I wore my flannel PJs all day every day. I have a few pairs, so they were clean: I had some standards. But with 2 under 2, comfort was key, damn it.

At first I kept a pair of jeans by the door and when the doorbell rang I'd quickly change. After a few weeks of that, I decided it wasn't worth even that little effort. Most people just gave me odd looks. One friend asked if I had been napping and apologized. I just said "no, this is just what I wear now." She looked a little confused.

This was excellent advice and I'm so glad you post...

2009-12-10T15:33:07.937-08:00

This was excellent advice and I'm so glad you posted it.

My husband and I had our first child this year, our daughter is ten months old now. As someone just surviving the first year I pretty much agree with everything you just said and would like to add to it.

1. What was said about getting support - do it! I wish I'd taken more advantage of this but I thought I "should" stop wearing the bathrobe when I did, but ten months out, I could still use a little support but I don't feel it's ok to ask. *sigh*

2. The advice about making your wife #1 seems harsh since I'd really like to be an egalitarian. However, there is nothing egalitarian about this whole process. Nothing in life prepared me or my pro-feminist husband for how unequal pregnancy, childbirth, and infant childcare could be. We've tried a lot of things to bring balance but in the end a lot of the burden is biologically left on her. It's really important for both of you to acknowledge and be okay with that.

3. I did not realize that we would not meet other parents "like us". What I mean by this was I had the idea that if we hooked up with others who shared our philosophies we'd fit in. We didn't. Don't be suprised. There will never be others who do everything just like you do and parenting is full of emotional landmines and faulty thinking people become invested in. After the third or fourth potential group of parent friends I alienated, I learned to go easier on myself and others and not expect to find a group with which we felt perfect.

Good luck!