No horror for the holidays?

It's panic time over here at SHM headquarters.

Don't worry, things are fine. This is just the point when I start to completely flip out about the upcoming issue. Early labor pains, you know?

You don't need to hear about that, though. What you do need to hear, and to spread the word about, is the fact that this issue is going to lack some much-needed comic relief if I don't get some horrifying homeschooling stories, stat.

Issue #4 (the current issue) debuted a lovely column called "Homeschool Horror Stories: True Tales of Terror." It got a terrific reader response.

Unfortunately, it didn't provoke the response needed for there to be yet another HHS column. Said response sounds something like, "Hey! I find it deeply reassuring, not to mention hilarious, to hear excruciating details about how other homeschoolers are not paragons of perfection! I am moved to abase myself by sending in a humiliating homeschooling anecdote of my own!"

I am, as always, willing to contribute a tale from my own personal hall of shame. Maybe even two.

But the stories would really start to lack range and variety after a while if all we ran was stuff from my house. Plus I don't think that a column titled "Deborah's A Bad Mommy -- Pass It On!" has the right ring to it.

In case you have any interest at all in sending in a horrifying story -- or know a really good one you're willing to steal -- here are some guidelines, paraphrased from the current issue:

All the stories are completely anonymous. Not even first names. They'll never know it was you. Heck, I'll never know it was you.

Nothing too icky, please. Any stories involving more than three trips to the emergency room is a little too close to real horror for me.

Easy on the potty humor, and heavy on the euphemisms.

Send the kind of thing you'd be relived to hear someone else admit to, because then you'd know you weren't the only one who occasionally blows it as a parent, teacher, or (what fun!) both.

If I use your story, I can send you either five whole bucks or a free copy of the issue your story appears in.

Send anecdotes to editor @ secular-homeschooling dot com

(Be sure to suck all the air out of that email address before you try to use it. And put a real dot in.)