Another Bitter List

I have an appointment to see a doctor tomorrow. I may or may not go.

Partly, I’m just not feeling that trusting of, well, anyone. My marriage is going through some hard stuff right now, and a big part of it is that I never, ever get to be the one who just plain gets taken care of.

Speaking of which — look, I’m sick. Or I have something going on, anyway. I want to just be able to go somewhere and get it taken care of. And I can’t. I can’t take myself in like a car that needs repairs. I’ve got to read and research and ask questions and know when to be pushy.

And damn it, if I were up to that kind of work, I wouldn’t be going to the doctor in the first place.

Anyway. With apologies to all the medical practitioners it may upset, here’s a little list of stuff I hate about dealing with doctors.  Please let the record show that I do not hate doctors. I hate dealing with them. I’m sure it’s mutual. Fair enough.

11 Things I Hate About Dealing With Doctors
 
1. That us/them mentality. You don't have to tell me they're not the only ones who have it. I worked in retail for six years. But they're the only ones I can think of, other than the military, who can legally kill whoever they decide "them" is. And unlike the military, they don't even have to try. They just have to not do anything.

2. The ones who don't know what the hell they're doing sound exactly like the ones who will swiftly and skillfully save my life.

3. The fact that they want extra credit just for being doctors. Like they're not charging enough already; they want to be worshipped on top of it. Or at least be nominated for sainthood. Face it: you don't get to take moral, magical credit for what you do when you send a bill for services rendered. Jesus never billed anyone, and he told his patients not to go around telling everyone how great he was.

4. Speaking of money: The only people that make doctors madder than the people who imply they're in it for the money are the people who don't pay their bills on time.

5. They get mad at me if I imply I might have an idea as to what's wrong with me.

6. They get mad at me if I have something wrong that they can't figure out.

7. They make me wait at least an hour when I come to see them, even if I show up on time for my appointment, and then act all put upon if I take up five minutes of their precious time to ask them any questions about what exactly the hell is wrong with me.

8. Speaking of time: when I'm late, I'm a troublemaker. When they're late, I'm a troublemaker if I ask what's going on. They would be shocked and outraged at the idea of my getting an appointment for, oh, let's say two-ish; yet when I ask why I haven't seen the doctor yet when it's two thirty-five and we had an appointment for two o'clock, they reply that the doctor and his staff can't be held responsible for "unexpected emergencies" shaking up the schedule.

9. If I have an unexpected emergency that throws off my ability to show up on time for an appointment, I have to reschedule, I may have to pay for the appointment I didn't use, and I'd better apologize.

10. They use the phrase "patient complains of" when they write down what's bothering me. Or else they say, "patient claims to suffer from..." Claims and complains are not neutral words. If any doctor thinks they are, let me just ask after his marital status and family situation, and then write his answer down in doctor-ese. "Doctor complains of being married. Claims to have two children."

11. They act all snooty about the fact that I couldn’t do their job, when the fact is, they couldn’t do mine, either. Being this bitter only looks easy.