I'd Rather Be Hated Than Used

A few weeks ago, I got an email from someone, letting me know that he'd seen The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List.

On Fark.

For those of you who haven't heard of it (I only learned about it recently myself), Fark is an incredibly influential site. Getting mentioned on there is a real coup.

You know how I said a while back that no one ever told me I was famous?

Turns out, it's because I'm not.

Fark didn't link to the SHM site. It linked to a site that had reproduced my list in its entirety.

This site did link to my site, but they didn't mention my name. The only name on the "article" was the name of the woman who wrote a paragraph prefacing my list saying how much she enjoyed it.

So, no fame.

And the people who went to that web site to see the list pretty much stayed on that site.

So, no fortune.

I wrote to the guy who handles the Fark site, and he wrote back literally within minutes and changed the link. That was nice.

Problem was, it had already been up as a link to the other site for a day or two. Which is a long time for this kind of thing.

I did some poking around on the Internet, and found out that a lot of the sites that even bother linking to anywhere at all when they mention or reproduce the bitter wish list are now linking to this other site, rather than to SHM.

I've been tracking down as many as I can and asking them to please mention and link to the magazine, rather than this other site.

One person I emailed about this asked why I didn't just write to the owners of the site in question and ask them to shorten the posting and link to SHM's site.

I decided I would.

Here's the letter I sent them.

I can't thank you enough for the way you posted about the BHWL. You mention the magazine right in the first sentence, and link to it there. Most people, if they bother at all with either of those matters, stick a mention and/or link waaay at the bottom.

What I'm asking is a huge favor, especially after you've been such a dream linker.

The Wish List has been one of the biggest draws to a mag that is entirely out of pocket for me. It's been what's convinced a lot of people to purchase at least the first issue, just to see if it's worth subscribing to -- and some then do go on to subscribe. At this point I have almost no advertisers, so depend pretty much entirely on purchasers in order to be able to pay the printer and writers.

A lot of places that mention the wish list link to your site rather than to the mag's. I can't tell you how much I would love and appreciate it if you would please consider trimming your posting a bit, so that people who read some of the wish list on your site would then go on to the mag's in order to finish reading. It would be such a favor. You would have my undying gratitude, and there would be a batch of three-chocolate brownies with your name on them if you're ever in southern California.

Thank you for considering this.

When I didn't get an answer, I checked the site. I've had to email a lot of people about crediting the list and linking to the site it's from, and I've noticed that they tend not to write back even when they do what I've requested. That's fine. I don't always have time to chat, either.

When I checked the site in question, I saw the first few items of the list, and a "click here to read more" link.

I was over the moon. How kind of them! And now I could stop trying to track down people who linked to them and get back to actually putting a magazine together! I sent them a thank you letter and got on with my life.

This morning I got an email from the man who, with his wife, is the owner and creator of the site. He asked if I could please call him about the link to my post.

Call? I was baffled. Then I was worried. Then I was convinced that something was horribly wrong, and all my fault.

I think everything's my fault. I'm one of those people who sees a police car in the rear view mirror and thinks, "Oh, God, they're on to me," when in fact the worst thing I've ever done behind the wheel is think really mean thoughts about the guy who just made a left turn in front of me without signaling.

I called, with a great deal of trepidation and after a lot of pep talks from my better half and some serious chocolate self-medicating.

I was so relieved, in talking to the man in question, to hear that actually I wasn't going to prison that it took me the whole conversation plus several hours after it to realize what had actually been said.

It turns out that the web site in question hadn't made the link I'd thought they had. The "click here for more" was for another page on their site, on which they had the list in its entirety.

The man I talked to explained that he decided to get in touch with me because if, after the profuse thank-you letter I'd sent them about agreeing to my request, I figured out that in fact they hadn't, I might be very upset.

They hadn't agreed, and weren't going to agree, to my request to trim and link because -- well, had I noticed how many comments had been posted to the bitter wish list's posting? Hundreds. Those were hundreds of people who were staying on their site to talk about what they'd read.

If they trimmed and linked to mine, that would be all those people leaving their site and going to mine. And they really didn't want that.

They also didn't want to make the link to SHM any bigger or more prominent, for that same reason.

However, they thought I'd like to know that they were considering offering SHM a free advertisement on their site.

I have no advertising budget. I have word of mouth. So all I heard was: heavily-trafficked site offering me free advertising.

What I didn't hear, until the conversation had had time to percolate for a while, was: somebody else's site is using my writing to keep people on their site and off mine.

Part of the reason I didn't hear what had been said was that it was such a relief after some of the heat I've been taking to be talking to someone who approved of the name of the magazine. This man pointed out to me that, quite aside from any other considerations, the best way to be a successful business is to find a niche and conquer it.

Well, that's not quite accurate. In terms of not having to worry so much about effort, ability, initial outlay, or any pesky moral or ethical considerations, the very best way to have a successful business is to manage to get other people to do the work for you, without pay, and ride on their talents.

The man I spoke to said that he wanted me to call him because the matter he wanted to discuss could be cleared up more quickly over the phone than by email. I don't think that's the case. I think he realized on some level that what he was saying would sound completely sleazy if he had to write it out in so many words, where there'd be no tone and friendly chit-chat to distract from the meaning of what he was saying.

Well, it worked. I'm not unintelligent, but I'm emotionally impressionable. I've been burning the midnight oil. I'm way behind, and was fairly focused on the work I had to do when I got off the phone. I hung up and didn't even blink. I sat down and wrote for several hours, got up and worked out to clear my head, did my last stretch, prepared to sit down again and finish up an article, and said, "Wait -- what?"

I sort of expect, or at least can't really be shocked by, the religious bloggers who don't mention my magazine, or mention it but say things like "I don't endorse or support SECULAR Homeschooling Magazine." As I mentioned in my previous posting, I've started to notice that for some people, secular doesn't mean non-religious, it means anti-. It's the "s" word, and they don't like it.

This other site, though, is run by a family who are secular homeschoolers. The guy said in so many words in our phone conversation.

And that's how they show support to the homeschooling community.

Maybe half a dozen people have asked for permission to post the list or parts of it on blogs, sites, and My Space pages. One non-profit homeschooling magazine in Australia asked if they could reprint it.

I gave permission to the people who asked, requesting that they link to the mag, mention my name and the name of the magazine, and consider posting just a few of their favorites rather than the whole thing. I deeply appreciate everyone who did so.

I extra appreciate the people who, on their own initiative, post only a little of the list and link to the rest -- or keep it really short and sweet, like the lovely lady at The Dominican Bungalow who simply wrote "I love this list" as an entire entry, and the last two words are a link to the wish list's page on SHM.

I'm not being a control freak, and I understand how fluid this medium is. I posted the list as a free article for people to read. I understood that it would get around a bit.

But there's such a thing as behaving ethically. They're profiting off my work. I've asked them to stop, and they won't.

I really hate mentioning the name of the site in question, since they've gotten quite enough traffic from my writing as it is. But I have to. It's Family Hack. Just pin three w's in front and a dot com on its butt and you're there.

Not literally, please. I'm not asking you to go and visit them. As I've said, I've earned their site quite enough traffic as it is.

What I'm asking -- shamelessly begging -- is for you to please, please link to this Mad Editor posting. Put it on your blog. Tell everyone you know. Vote for it on Digg, Stumble Upon, Fark, Boing Boing, and anywhere else you can think of.

Please get the word out.

This whole thing upsets me so much more than hate mail. Hate mail is someone mad at me or what he thinks I'm doing. I don't like it, but I can live with it.

I'd rather be hated than used.